Chapter 10: Florida, Meredith, and Living Organically
Meredith danced with (my daughter) Kyrra at UCLA. They were close. Meredith danced at Kyrra’s wedding. They performed together for U.S. troops at a bunch of bases and outposts in rural Afghanistan where they were shuttled around on Black Hawk helicopters. (Yes, I worried.)
Meredith met Josh (Army 7th Special Forces Group) on that trip. They got married, were stationed at Eglin Air Force Base, Florida, and when Josh became a civilian, they settled on Florida’s Treasure Coast in idyllic Port St. Lucie. Their three sons — Jax (12), Mason (8), and Wyatt (6) —are accomplished athletes and standout students.
I knew of Meredith more than I knew Meredith. Kyrra and (my other daughter) Kylene both told me, “She’s one of the best people on Earth.” So one of my planned destinations was to visit her and Josh and watch their boys play sports. Basketball, baseball, soccer… it didn’t matter much which. Seemingly, they loved and excelled at all of them. Because Meredith regularly posts about their exploits, I felt like I knew them before I met them.
Sorry about the UCLA basketball blocking Wyatt’s face
Before we met up at one of Jax’s baseball workouts, I had rarely talked with Meredith and never about anything deep. But I knew she was special, and almost immediately our conversations crashed through the surface. When you don’t see people often and you don’t know when you’ll see them again, you have two choices: Waste precious time on small talk or use it for large talk about things that matter.
In just two days I felt connected enough to her to ask her personal life questions. For example,
Your childhood was not traditional. (Her parents divorced and remarried. She has step parents and half siblings. She’s lived in multiple places, from the Philippines to San Diego. In her 20’s, she danced and performed all over the world.) Because of that, did you make it a goal to plant roots and raise a close nuclear family in a perfect-for-families place, like Port St. Lucie? Did you PLAN to be a mostly stay close to home sports mom?
This was part of her response, a response that I hung on my bulletin board and have shared with anyone trying to over plan their life (including me).
I guess I never thought deeply of what family life would exactly look like for me as an adult. I believe so much of my life, in many ways, came about organically. I grew up very ambitious. Conversations of the future revolved around following our dreams as individuals, careers, fulfilling our passions as my life’s work… less about becoming a mother or a wife. However, I’ve learned now that your life’s work doesn’t have to be “work that pays,” and what we can be passionate about doesn’t have to be a thing, but people we love, like for me, motherhood and my family.
I never predicted my life as it is now. I’ve always been so focused. I grew up obsessed over dance and the notion of traveling the world and feeling a purpose with my convictions and aspirations. Above all that, I was always a romantic. I believe in love, and I’m a “time person.” I love quality time with people I love. So, in a lot of ways, that has shaped so many of my choices.
Live organically. My mother used to urge me to do that, albeit in her practicing-Catholic way. “Work hard, yes! But then relax and let the holy spirit guide you.” Mom believed the Jewish proverb, "Man plans, and God laughs."
Set goals. Start on a path. But be open. Be willing to see alternate paths that can also lead to fulfillment, contentment, and love. Meredith says she’s made choices based on spending quality time with people she loves. Like Josh. Then Jax, Mason, and Wyatt.
When I taught economics, I told my my students that the most vital econ lesson they could learn — one that would affect them every day of their lives — is opportunity cost. Whether the decision is trivial or tectonic, every time we say yes to one thing we’re saying no to an infinite number of other things.
That’s hard!
When Meredith chose to spend her life with Josh, when she chose to stop globetrotting and performing, when she chose to spend so much of her time supporting her sons in countless ways, a million other possibilities went poof.
Yes, choosing a life means not choosing other lives. To keep from overly mourning those lost lives, we have to embrace all that’s good in the one we have. Meredith, more than just about anyone I’ve met, has done that. She made (and continues to make) choices based on spending quality time with people she loves. Using that goal as a guidepost has kept any road-not-taken regret from haunting her.
I’m trying to do that, too. I’m finding that it works.
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High quality people tend to know and hang with high quality people. So when I asked Meredith if she could refer me to an extraordinary teacher she might know. She ended up setting me up with three of them. One a traditional teacher. One an inspiring coach. And one a wise occupational therapist. Each shared a vital lesson that kids and adults can benefit from.
Jessica’s belief that kids can do more — way more — than we give them credit for is something that teachers tend to understand better than parents. The reason why is parents are familiar with their kids while teachers are familiar with hundreds, even thousands of kids. Because of that, because we’ve seen what a seven, twelve, or sixteen-year-old is capable of, we’re less likely to think to use, “They’re too young!” as an excuse for a child not being able to do something.
Jessica uses Ruby Bridges as an example of what a first grader can do. I used to use Boyan Slat who, at 16, founded The Ocean Cleanup, as an example of what a teenager can do. Initially kids believe they can do stuff — but then adults get in their way. Thinking we have their best interest in mind, we overprotect, push them back into their comfort zone, shield them from disappointment, and do so much for them that they end up thinking they’re not capable of doing it themselves.
Perhaps the hardest but best thing a devoted parent can say is, “You got this. You don’t need me for you to get it done.”
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After Meredith connected me with Stephen Russ I thought about how athletic competition, at its purest, is the antidote to helicopter and lawnmower parenting. Because no matter how much those parents try to pave the way, they can’t perform for their kids. Because guess what? Athletes’ teammates and competitors (definitely), and coaches (usually) know the truth. They know who can really play.
Stephen is the teacher/coach/mentor we want our kids to have. He coaches basketball, but he teaches life. Basketball is just his vehicle for doing that. “It’s more than basketball,” he says.
I know the negatives of only associating with like-minded people, but I confess that I like it when others think the way I think. It makes me feel less lonely. And when someone I respect thinks like me (or I think like them), such as Stephen, it’s especially reassuring.
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My favorite blogger, Maria Popava, insists that there is no such thing as “children’s” books. They’re just books. Their appeal and reach are universal. Monica Jackson works primarily with young children. But the occupational therapist, educator, and author’s lessons aren’t “children’s” lessons. They’re just lessons that can benefit us all.
This one spoke to me. A lot.
You can find more of of Monica’s wisdom, including her thoughts on screen addiction here.
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When I set out to create a place where I could share the best lessons from the best teachers, the goal was to motivate and inspire parents, coaches, and teachers. But after every interview with a magical teacher, I’m motivated and inspired, too.
It’s cool.
Lessons from Meredith
Living organically makes so much sense in so many ways. Like the plans on my trip, write plans in sand, not stone.
What we can be passionate about doesn’t have to be a thing, but people we love.
To counter “opportunity cost regret,” relish the positives of the choices we did make.
Meredith: “I’m a ‘time person.’ I love quality time with people I love. So, in a lot of ways, that has shaped so many of my choices.”
